There are times when a voice in my head whispers to me what a fool I'm being. Not that I'm breaking a law, or doing something profoundly bad -- just being dumb again. What I do with this information has changed over the years, from seeking to hide from the shameful guilt, to seeking to embrace the gift from God. My attitude began to change while I was inactive, and reading (for some reason) Ether 12:27 -- God shows us our weaknesses so we can let him help us change. I read that scripture and the spirit reached through my inactivity and tapping me on the metaphysical shoulder, pointed to it and said, "See, see? That's important, see?" I understood it, all at once, and realized I needed to take things to God. So in a very scared way I faced the weaknesses that seemed to be shredding me and started talking honestly to God about them. Though I didn't feel it at the time, I see that moment as one of my greatest acts of faith (what little faith I had to exercise). I really didn't feel anything at the time. But looking back I can see that things really started happening in my life. I was soon even more inactive. That doesn't really follow the Orthodox Mormon storyline, does it? Well, because I'm back to being an orthodox Mormon I need to justify my story by saying that it brought me furter along the path I needed to traverse. Closer to eventually becoming Mormon again. Spirituality follows such backwards logic from the mortal perspective.
Before reading this scripture while inactive, before going inactive, the only way I could deal with weakness was to whitewash. Ignore, avoid, shun. What is the opposite of "see"? Remain blind? Be blind? That was how I was going to achieve salvation, be blind to the problems of my life. It had never occurred to me to talk to God about my problems in anything other than a "I will try harder to do all I can do" way. I really liked the Mormon Orthodoxy, and I really liked that the Church whitewashed its history as well. I'm the oldest in my family, I hear oldests tend toward this weakness.
Fortunately I came to a place where I could no longer hide from the weaknesses in myself, nor in the church's history. I thought at the time that meant I couldn’t be saved, and that the church couldn't save me. Too imperfect, both. Only through discovering the spiritual consequences of acting on Ether 12:27 did I discover that God could work around and through my weaknesses. God's grace (his power) eventually brought into my life amazing people (both LDS and not) and new ideas (mostly not from the scriptures). I even found hope, and a connection to heaven. I changed and grew--because of God, because of the atonement. At some point I decided that God could work with weak church historical leaders. Suddenly the stories that drove me away gave me great hope as I returned--they weren't perfect, I'm not perfect, and its okay. I'm enough orthodox again that I'm back to really liking the whitewashed history of Sunday School, (yet, of the point, I'm still really happy to learn the expanded story of Thomas Marsh on Mormon Stories Podcast, see http://mormonstories.org/?p=258.)
Today Brother Marsh and the church's whitewashed history don't enter my mind much as I go about my life being Mormon. On the other hand, my own weaknesses, the Spirit's promptings about my dumbness, my own history -- that's before my face much, much more. These words have more meaning to me now, than before: working out my salvation, exercising faith, coming unto Christ. Today I want to remind myself that when the little voice in my head shows me my stupidity, I need to turn and see. I fear that someone will misconstrue this entry as my sermon to the long-dead Brother Marsh. Actually, what started this entry was the little voice in my head saying, "You've spent a long time reading entries in the blogernacle that don't really matter, you have more important things to do." Wrestling with tiny promptings like that is the most Mormon thing I did today.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Leave Why for Later
Today I discovered why Mormon Moms post scriptures and pat phrases over their door. It surprises me when I learn why thigs happen because I backed away from knowing why. In the fall of 1997, inactive and searching, I ran across a random writing of Paul that seemed to say to me: The Lord can answer the question "why?" through experience. And I realized there are many things I wondered about, I wanted to know why, that I didn't actually want to experience to get the answer. For example: "Why does the Lord allow the wicked to do violence to others?" I would understand really well if I were put into a place where violence seemed my best option, or where violence was committed against me and I could see what I learned from it.
Of course experience is not the only way the Lord teaches me. He can teach me as I watch others' experiences, as I read the wise and foolish, as I read the scriptures, as I listen in church, and as I suddenly have my perception opened to understanding. Those are my ways of learning. I believe that the Lord has even more ways to teach; perhaps as many methods as there are people. In that moment the setting aside the demands of why turned out to be exactly what my spiritual quest needed.
I had plenty of things I wanted explained: So many weird things in Mormon history. So many weaknesses and foibles in my leaders, and the saints around me. So many pains and disappointments in my own history. Why! Why! When I read that scripture I recall a bit of a bolt of understanding, a spiritual static-electric shock of realization. And I backed away from wanting to know why. I wanted the difficult experiences to stop; I didn't want my own desires for understanding to bring more. So, rather than asking why I had to find new questions to ask like, “How does having a God work in my life?”
I could let go of needing to know why that Fall in 1997 because I had this sense that I had a God, a good God that had all power and was intimately interested in what was going on in my life. These bits of understanding had each been hard won, and though I didn't accept very many unseen things as real, I did place faith in that little. In a very simplistic way I felt that there was probably a good reason for many of the theological things I questioned, and in letting go of knowing, didn't diminish the validity of the motivations, the ends, and the logic. I felt that it was going to be okay, I wouldn't miss anything important. At the same time I had this driving sense that there was some truth out there that I was missing, and in the way the Spirit does, it opened my mind to the idea that it was important to not ask why if I wanted to find that truth. It was important that I move on without it.
Now when I hear someone ask "why" I hear two different statements. One is a question about the complex motivations and results that interweb the background leading into an event. This is the traditional question, "Why." The person asking doesn't actually understand the answer, and wants to. Or at times the questioner does understand, but wants the listener to stop and think about the situation. There is often more than one answer, or an ever-broadening understanding to this type of question.
The other, more common, meaning of a why question is actually not a question; rather the speaker uses the word to point something out and say its stupid. Even Paul in the New Testament used this as a persuasive argument (we note the obvious that arguments don't usually involve actual questions, even when questions words are used.) Here's a Mormon favorite, 1 Corinthians 15:29, Paul points to the practice of baptism for the dead, as an example in a much larger argument about the resurrection. He takes a moment to point out that if there is not resurrection, then those people being baptized for the dead are dumb.
King James: Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead?
English Standard: Otherwise, what do people mean by being baptized on behalf of the dead? If the dead are not raised at all, why are people baptized on their behalf?
The Message: Why do you think people offer themselves to be baptized for those already in the grave? If there's no chance of resurrection for a corpse, if God's power stops at the cemetery gates, why do we keep doing things that suggest he's going to clean the place out someday, pulling everyone up on their feet alive?
Turns out its important to let our spiritual quest adapt to the questions needed at that moment. And that the questions we leave behind aren't lost. I love it when every once in a while I get a glimpses of answers to my why questions.
Which brings me to today.
Have you noticed those sayings many LDS moms place over their doorway carved in wood, attach to their children's fingers stamped in metal, encase their missionary's pillows in printed cotton? "Return with Honor," for example. A great friend of mine who is one of those raised-in-the-Wasatch-front-and-now-demands-no-contact folks once asked, "Why do they do that? Can't they remember what they want to do, that they have to keep it over the door? Over the door for crying out loud." And I laughed, because she had a point. I'm not one to inscript words over my door, and this has always seemed a peculiarity of my Utah Mormon Culture. And even when the font is very pretty, with vines and flowers, its still a little weird to have words -- not pictures - on the wall. I laughed because I understood my black sheep friend’s point of view, and thinking of the earnest seriousness that my Mormon-Mom friends place in the force for good these words will create in the family I agreed with her that it seemed dumb.
Imagine my surprise to discover today a non-member explaining why this might be a good idea! Gretchen Rubin in her blog, "The Happiness Project" posted on April 11, 2007 an explanation of the power of Catchphrases. A what? A catchphrase is a well-know phrase, designed to attract attention that captures an idea , for example an advertising slogan, a popular media quotation, or a truism. Our society drowns in them, fodder for a Hasbro game, and TV gameshows in two continents . The power of a catchphrase is in its ability to become symbolic -- words as symbols. Thus with a simple "catchy" phrase comes emotional branding, motivated actions, paradigm-nudged assumptions. And most importantly a hitching post for future experiences, concepts, understanding, emotions.
Gretchen Rubin cites undisclosed studies that found that repeated catchphrases actually shape the way we think. She uses phrases for inspiration and reassurance -- 12 phrases permanently bannered in her blog, that she calls her commandments. They map who she wants to be and she says she reads the 12 of them every day. Her blog is a call for the phrases others use. (not one person wrote in “Return with Honor”). Reading through the blog I suddenly realize those Mormon Moms are not alone. In our visual society, we hope that posting the words on our walls will help us implant them in our lives. Mormon Moms have, I believe, taken this to a larger, more prominently-placed art form than many here in the US, but they're motivations track with the rest of us. How different is this from the spoken-aloud Hindu Mantra, or the silently-read New Age Affirmation -- verbally posted in lives. How closely related are these to the scriptural samplers of early New England pilgrims? I misunderstood the power of these words because I missed their symbolic nature -- just as a US flag becomes more than just fabric, these simple phrases become more than just words. Why do Mormon Moms inscribe the words quite so large, in quite such a prominent place in the house, with quite so many vines? I'm not really sure how effective all these marketing ploys work. Why do they put catchphrases in their family’s lives? Because they're not dumb.
Of course experience is not the only way the Lord teaches me. He can teach me as I watch others' experiences, as I read the wise and foolish, as I read the scriptures, as I listen in church, and as I suddenly have my perception opened to understanding. Those are my ways of learning. I believe that the Lord has even more ways to teach; perhaps as many methods as there are people. In that moment the setting aside the demands of why turned out to be exactly what my spiritual quest needed.
I had plenty of things I wanted explained: So many weird things in Mormon history. So many weaknesses and foibles in my leaders, and the saints around me. So many pains and disappointments in my own history. Why! Why! When I read that scripture I recall a bit of a bolt of understanding, a spiritual static-electric shock of realization. And I backed away from wanting to know why. I wanted the difficult experiences to stop; I didn't want my own desires for understanding to bring more. So, rather than asking why I had to find new questions to ask like, “How does having a God work in my life?”
I could let go of needing to know why that Fall in 1997 because I had this sense that I had a God, a good God that had all power and was intimately interested in what was going on in my life. These bits of understanding had each been hard won, and though I didn't accept very many unseen things as real, I did place faith in that little. In a very simplistic way I felt that there was probably a good reason for many of the theological things I questioned, and in letting go of knowing, didn't diminish the validity of the motivations, the ends, and the logic. I felt that it was going to be okay, I wouldn't miss anything important. At the same time I had this driving sense that there was some truth out there that I was missing, and in the way the Spirit does, it opened my mind to the idea that it was important to not ask why if I wanted to find that truth. It was important that I move on without it.
Now when I hear someone ask "why" I hear two different statements. One is a question about the complex motivations and results that interweb the background leading into an event. This is the traditional question, "Why." The person asking doesn't actually understand the answer, and wants to. Or at times the questioner does understand, but wants the listener to stop and think about the situation. There is often more than one answer, or an ever-broadening understanding to this type of question.
The other, more common, meaning of a why question is actually not a question; rather the speaker uses the word to point something out and say its stupid. Even Paul in the New Testament used this as a persuasive argument (we note the obvious that arguments don't usually involve actual questions, even when questions words are used.) Here's a Mormon favorite, 1 Corinthians 15:29, Paul points to the practice of baptism for the dead, as an example in a much larger argument about the resurrection. He takes a moment to point out that if there is not resurrection, then those people being baptized for the dead are dumb.
King James: Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead?
English Standard: Otherwise, what do people mean by being baptized on behalf of the dead? If the dead are not raised at all, why are people baptized on their behalf?
The Message: Why do you think people offer themselves to be baptized for those already in the grave? If there's no chance of resurrection for a corpse, if God's power stops at the cemetery gates, why do we keep doing things that suggest he's going to clean the place out someday, pulling everyone up on their feet alive?
Turns out its important to let our spiritual quest adapt to the questions needed at that moment. And that the questions we leave behind aren't lost. I love it when every once in a while I get a glimpses of answers to my why questions.
Which brings me to today.
Have you noticed those sayings many LDS moms place over their doorway carved in wood, attach to their children's fingers stamped in metal, encase their missionary's pillows in printed cotton? "Return with Honor," for example. A great friend of mine who is one of those raised-in-the-Wasatch-front-and-now-demands-no-contact folks once asked, "Why do they do that? Can't they remember what they want to do, that they have to keep it over the door? Over the door for crying out loud." And I laughed, because she had a point. I'm not one to inscript words over my door, and this has always seemed a peculiarity of my Utah Mormon Culture. And even when the font is very pretty, with vines and flowers, its still a little weird to have words -- not pictures - on the wall. I laughed because I understood my black sheep friend’s point of view, and thinking of the earnest seriousness that my Mormon-Mom friends place in the force for good these words will create in the family I agreed with her that it seemed dumb.
Imagine my surprise to discover today a non-member explaining why this might be a good idea! Gretchen Rubin in her blog, "The Happiness Project" posted on April 11, 2007 an explanation of the power of Catchphrases. A what? A catchphrase is a well-know phrase, designed to attract attention that captures an idea , for example an advertising slogan, a popular media quotation, or a truism. Our society drowns in them, fodder for a Hasbro game, and TV gameshows in two continents . The power of a catchphrase is in its ability to become symbolic -- words as symbols. Thus with a simple "catchy" phrase comes emotional branding, motivated actions, paradigm-nudged assumptions. And most importantly a hitching post for future experiences, concepts, understanding, emotions.
Gretchen Rubin cites undisclosed studies that found that repeated catchphrases actually shape the way we think. She uses phrases for inspiration and reassurance -- 12 phrases permanently bannered in her blog, that she calls her commandments. They map who she wants to be and she says she reads the 12 of them every day. Her blog is a call for the phrases others use. (not one person wrote in “Return with Honor”). Reading through the blog I suddenly realize those Mormon Moms are not alone. In our visual society, we hope that posting the words on our walls will help us implant them in our lives. Mormon Moms have, I believe, taken this to a larger, more prominently-placed art form than many here in the US, but they're motivations track with the rest of us. How different is this from the spoken-aloud Hindu Mantra, or the silently-read New Age Affirmation -- verbally posted in lives. How closely related are these to the scriptural samplers of early New England pilgrims? I misunderstood the power of these words because I missed their symbolic nature -- just as a US flag becomes more than just fabric, these simple phrases become more than just words. Why do Mormon Moms inscribe the words quite so large, in quite such a prominent place in the house, with quite so many vines? I'm not really sure how effective all these marketing ploys work. Why do they put catchphrases in their family’s lives? Because they're not dumb.
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