Monday, August 1, 2016

Birthday Swine

Happy Birthday to ME! Opening my scriptures I wondered what gift the Lord had prepared. My favorite - chastisement.
3 Ne 14:6 Give not that which is Holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet and turn again and rend you later. 
My definition of swine has always turned to those opposing the church. My time on Quora has lead me into some conversations with the "opposition". Turns out they do trample my ideas and turn to rend me. Ouchie.

Then I discover that the D and C expands swine's definition. To include me, gosh darnit.
D&C 41:5-6 He that saith he receiveth (my law) and doeth it not, the same is not my disciple, and shall be cast out from among you. For it is not meet that the things which belong to the children of the kingdom should be given to them that are not worthy, or to dogs, or the pearls to be cast before swine.
Anyone who receives the law but doesn't do it - all of them are swine. Oh my heart groans at the number of times I've done just that. Shall I detail the times in callings, counsel, covenants? I shall not. I shall curl in a ball on my bed and feel bad about it.

Does getting promptings count as receiving the law? Yes? Oh, more groans and moans. Oh how many times was I to reach out, follow through, say. I curl in a tighter ball and feel bad.

I'm sorry for being piggish, porcine, swinish, piggy, smug, boorish, disgusting. I'm sorry for all the times I have been a swine.



Friday, July 22, 2016

Hidden Treasure

GMatthew 13:44. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto treasure hid in a field; the which when a man hath found, he hideth, and for joy thereof goeth and selleth all that he hath, and buyeth that field.

I love this scripture because it describes a pivotal time in my past. When I had gone the furthest from the church I hope I ever go I learned the church is true. The church contained treasure. What was I to do? I wasn't in the body of the Saints. Looking back I can't believe what a bold move I took. I honored this new truth, I turned from the desires of that life and became as Mormon as I could. I bought the field. Basically I went to church and scowled a lot. I expected to be turned out, my friends warned me I be unwelcome, but I found respect and brotherly love. I found guidance and aid in the new direction I'd chosen.

For me the field contained more than treasure. I found a place to plant seeds of faith and cultivate miracles. I've harvested such a variety of blessings like fellowship, social skills, refinement, opportunities to serve. Mormonism has given me the tools to connect with heaven, then grow and expand that connection. Eventually I found my Savior and the power of the atonement opened to heal me, soften me, find righteous desires.

Sell all. Sell it all. It doesn't matter. Leave it behind. Buy into Mormonism. Go to church, scowl and seek. It. Is. Totally. Worth. It.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Again about Women, The Priesthood, and Family History

What I Learned About Women and the Priesthood by Doing Family History, The Long Version, new and improved

In a moment of clarity I saw the Lord's hand indisputably guiding Family History. It arrived while I wrestled with the quandary of who Mary Lincoln's mother was. The answer revealed how profoundly clever and invested The Lord is with his programs. Likely the Lord behaves the same way in the Priesthood organihe does with Family History.

Some background: Mary Lincoln was a Puritan woman living in very early Massachusetts, and her scanty records leave four completely reasonable Mother candidates. I know this because a few Google searches lead me to the well-sourced work of multiple modern web-based geneologists. Plus Internet Archive and Google Book have scanned so many dusty books that the works of geneologists from the 19th and early 20th century are also at my fingertips. The modern geneologists cite them as source material and I'm like, "yeah, got that one already, came up in a Google search." Sometimes a source sites a different dusty, obscure 20th century geneology so I'm like, "Let's type the abbreviated title into the search bar and have a look see." It's always there. Google and Internet Achive have been at this scanning quest for a while.

So I'm pretty sure I have all the records and pivotal commentary. There is no possible way I can see to narrow the options down further than the four women.

Yes, her work is done. That's the answer to the only question I get from family members who have long been into geneology. Boy, oh, boy has her work been done - over and over in fact. End of story. It's with relief we are able to cull out which ancestors we needn't worry over. Some one in the family has already done the due diligence needed to find one mother, one father, one of each child. Do their work. Then don't look back.

I worry over her. Her entries in Family Tree, and there are many, are so profoundly jumbled I gape with morbid interest at the train wreck of multiple parallel universes. Then I recoil at the digital carnage. As a citizen of the internet if I am even vaguely curious about something I Google it, pretty much without thinking. In my first Google search I found what has turned out to be about 95% of what there was to know about Mary Lincoln, and the people actually known to be her family. As a citizen of the Internet I know everything found on the Internet has some amount of "That is absolutely not true". So it took me a while to comb through what I found and start zeroing in. Pretty soon I started to get a picture of what was wrong on Family Tree. As I citizen of the internet it is my duty to fix any error I see, or at least leave a several-sentence comment. I worry about her because I want what it says on the screen to be "right".

Argh, I thought, how can impossibly know which mother is actually Mary Lincoln's? There is no way! My answer, when it came, wasn't what I expected. But it was right. I felt such relief. I wanted to cry.

I don't have to pick one mother.

That's it. But it shifts generations (not exaggerating) of the one-mother quest.

The screen will be "right" when it has all three possibilities fully sourced, with linked URLs, screenshots, records, comments and a discussion. Her children will be digitally linked to three nearly identical mothers, one for each of the birth scenarios. And I will have lots of space to explain it. On pedigree charts there was one space for one mother. One. Family Tree has the entire right side of the screen, as much as you need for all the mother/father combinations. Family Tree, when it's done, will be a collection of what we know about family history. It's an encyclopedia of Family ties.

Realizing that was awesome. In this moment of clarity I stepped from one stage of Family History to another, and while doing so caught a glimpse of the Lord's hand. I felt like crying because I can't pick one mother. I have all the evidence before me. You say it's not my job? Oh what a relief. The saints before, who had to seal one person to another one person, likely only had one record, maybe two. We had very different jobs and access to very different tools. Me - all the evidence. Them - enough evidence. Me - find all the mothers. Them - find one mother. The Lord gave different people different jobs at different times.

From my perspective the purpose of all that temple work was to provide a significant backbone to the Family Tree database. Why else was everyone lead to so many different choices of "right". The Lord divided the job of finding all known records into tiny, seemingly independent micro-assignments. My family could not have conceived of a scenario where the Lord would guide anyone to a different conclusion than ours. Sometimes it's impossible to see what The Lord is up to. It was really concerning that all those darn cousins kept getting it wrong. The Lord doesn't seem to mind a little squabbling. The guiding principle that if the work is done then we don't worry relieved us from getting entangled in the controversy. It didn't matter who they sealed her to, she was already sealed to our choice of mother. There is great relief that comes when we escape the squabbles during the Lord's plan - more than it seems logical. The blessings of temple work that were evident at the time are still true. We get to attend the temple and we help the salvation of those who have gone before. And something about the earth having a curse. The Lord is often (usually? always?) doing several things at once - blessing the Latter Day Saint directly involved, blessing another, and laying the foundation for something awesome. If you look at the database all these people over all these decades have created, and then decide The Lord wanted it exactly like that, you can't help but think Is The Lord Crazy!? The way The Lord handles things seems strange.

Who saw my role coming? The Lord didn't tell anyone involved in temple work up to the advent of Family Tree his plans for an encyclopedia. The Lord's work is need to know. And yet most of my job has been done for me. In Family Tree all the possibilities are laid out, granted in a jumbled mess. I just need to Google which one(s). A few taps, and I know where to find the original records - and which burned in a 1838 fire (drat). Then attach everything. I look back in time with amazement and see just how many things have been laid into place to create an environment where I could help invent an encyclopedia. Technology, internet culture, data handling, Latter day Saints being lead at one time or another to every possible record, a tattered mess that would draw my attention. iPads. It's so much more fun on an iPad. It's like looking at a miracle to see the Lord's hand in so many parts of our culture leading to this encyclopedia. When we see how much The Lord does for his work it's mind boggling and awe inspiring.

We know the world needs the encyclopedia because The Lord has spent over a century laying the foundation for it, and we've been asked to hasten. I don't have any idea why the world needs this encyclopedia. But every effort leading up to this has built the foundation where I now stand. And I know we're going somewhere important. We may not know what is going on, but every once in a while we can sense that its something great.

The most profound realization for me was that when The Lord delegates responsibilities, he is at the same time clarifying what we don't need to do. In the past this has been an explanation for who holds the priesthood "we do it so you don't have to." It didn't convince those who needed it. But looking at how The Lord has conducted the sealing of families while laying the foundation for a global all-inclusive encyclopedia, I now wonder if that actually IS His logic. The ones before didn't need to know what was coming, didn't need to worry about what their darn cousins were doing, didn't need to do more than their job to find one name at a time. They did their foundation-building job so I don't have to. So I don't have to.

This is the Lord's church. It is the only organization on earth actually run by The Lord. So it makes sense that the way He has handled family history work would be found in the way He handles the government of His church. We would expect that different people have different jobs - a clear division of labor. We would expect to find independent duties with similar but divergent micro-assignments. We would expect them to seem uncoordinated, but we can now wonder to ourselves if they are laying the foundation for some bigger, future, yet to be know thing. Suppose The Lord is up to things we are not aware of.

If we are in the midst of a yet to be disclosed, seemingly uncoordinated work, we would expect to see squabbling over whether people are right. In other words, we would expect some people to have a sense that something is being done wrong. That would be when viewed from the limited perspective The Lord currently allows us. But there would need to be a few mental magic tricks available that help us escape the squabble. Probably ones that boil down to, "it just doesn't matter. End of story. Let's get back to work." Such things would be recognizable by their intense feeling of relief. The Lord often (usually? always?) does several things at once, so if it is His program we should see blessings and understanding given to the immediate Latterday Saint involved; while simultaneously providing service to others; while helping to build some awesome thing way down the road. We would have to take it on faith that there is an awesome thing, but if all the stuff leading up to this statement are true, it seems pretty likely. It would be very telling if every once in while some one catches a glimpse of things and thinks, "Is The Lord Crazy!" Or if the way The Lord is handling things seems strange.

If all this is going on, then The Lord has a plan, and that plan is need to know. Which is to say, nobody knows. But we can be sure that when we see how much The Lord has done for whatever it is that this situation is leading to, it's going to be mind boggling and awe inspiring. We may not know what is going on, but every once in a while we can sense that its something great.

So when The Brethren first said, about women in the Priesthood, we do it so you don't have to -- that's the best answer there is. Who knows better than The Lord what should be done when and by whom? Who knows better than The Lord what is coming? Who is really the head of this church? He wrote the mission statement, he created the branding, he guided the writing of the training manuals. He gives us the resources we need to fund it. He has the 5-year action plan, and decides the priorities. He also has the million-year action plan - and it's a good one.

What I glimpsed through family history is if its The Lord assigning something, then it's gonna be awesome. But if I'm being assigned something in The Church by some one else, well that something else entirely. You know, how closely tied to The Lord is he? Is he one rung down? Two rungs? Am I working with middle management? It probably will all work out. But I decided to draw The Church's org chart, just to see. And it's not what you think. An org chart describes who you report to, and who delegates to you. It describes who you go to with questions and problems (hint: The Savior). Who is going to come to you with questions (rule of thumb: the answer to any significant question that comes to me -- pray about it). The middle people mediate between up and down - sheild the up from the down, and sheild the down from the up. (The Savior, the great mediator). It says who is going to perform your annual review, and judge your merit in detail (the Savior, the only judge). It also says who isn't going to come to you with questions, or give you significant guidance, or change your job in any fundamental way -- the people on the same level as you -- or those connected to a different branch of chart as you.

Heavenly Father is at the top. Then one line down "The Savoir, Jesus Christ". Now we have a lot of people and we're not yet sure how they all fit together, so let's start with the people who have the ear of the Savior. They will likely be at the top of the chart. So who in The Church can ask The Lord questions directly and receive guidance? There is me, and you, and the missionaries, and the bishop, and president Monson, and everyone in the church. We all have the ear of the top guy. There is one name above us all, the only name, the great I Am. Mediator between us and the Father. The rest of us are all in a row on the next line. That's it, that's the org chart. Can I turn to the guy next to me and ask, will you change my job?

Women, The Priesthood, Family History

This is a Sacrament Meeting Talk I recently gave.

Pretty much if you talk to me these days I'm going to talk about family history.

There are three possible scenarios for the birth of Mary Lincoln, one of the later settlers of the Plymouth Colony. Her work has been done many times over. I have been wrestling with which one is true, so I can correct her entry on Family Tree on FamilySearch. But all have merits. All make sense. It's a historic mystery. And I don't have to choose. In Family Search there will be three Mary Lincolns all attached to the same children. One for each possible birth scenario. Family Tree doesn't give one small line for Mother: Tell me one mother. It gives the entire right side of the screen, as many combinations of mothers and fathers ask needed.

My job is to communicate what we know about what happened. When I realized this I felt such relief I wanted to cry, because choosing one went beyond my abilities. Choosing one was beyond my job description. I am inventing an encyclopedia, not writing history. If I needed to choose parents to SEAL Mary to, I would be guided to one. Another family member, with the righteous desire to do the temple work for their ancestors, would be guided to another possibility. And another was at one time guided to the third. It must have been what The Lord wanted for that has happened many times.

When The Lord delegates responsibilities, he is at the same time clarifying what we don't need to do. In the past this has been an explanation for who holds the priesthood. "we do it so you don't have to." It didn't convince those who wanted it. But looking at how The Lord has conducted the sealing of families I wonder now if that is actually His logic. Not only did we seal families in heaven, not only did we have the chance to enjoy the blessings of temple work, but now we have an encyclopedia of family ties to give to the world. At a time when it needs it most. It must need it most for we are asked to hasten. How could The Lord have explained to Joseph Smith the Family Tree website. (Pause). I actually wrote the word "pause" because it makes me laugh trying to think about trying to explain Family Tree to Joseph Smith. "You see there is this thing called a computer. No, wait, there is this thing called electricity."

Why would The Lord need to explain it to Joseph Smith when The Lord was still guiding the work?

Who is really at the head of this church? Do I have to go to a person with the gender of "man" to be able to give this talk? Am I not at this very moment saying things that a person might use to judge the church? Am I not, at this very moment, leading the church?

(Long pause)

Into silence?

Could a woman fill in President Monson's role. Sure, of course. Could a woman do the job of a Bishop. Of course. Could the person picking one name among three for sealing, know all the names? Certainly - my Grandma knew most of them before she chose one. But when the time comes to account for what we have been called to do, that is what is going to matter most. Someone has been assigned things I am not - narrow it down to a name. I am assigned things they are not - find every book, every theory, every record, every possibility, the merits of all the possibilities. And report. Only with the state of the web exactly as it is today is this even conceivable. Who knows better than The Lord what should be done when and by whom? Who knows better than The Lord what is coming?

This is the Lord's church. It is the only organization on earth run by The Lord. He wrote the mission statement, he owns it, he created the branding, he guided the writing of the training manuals. He gives us the resources we need to fund it. He has the 5-year action plan, and decides the priorities. He also has the million-year action plan - and it's a good one.

This organization has the most unique org chart. An org chart describes who you report to, and who delegates to you. It describes who you go to with questions and problems (The Savior). It decides who is going to come to you with questions (answer to any significant question that comes to you: pray about it). The middle people mediate between up and down - sheild the up from the down, and sheild the down from the up. In other words, how you mediate. (The Savior, the great mediator). It says who is going to perform your annual review, and judge your merit in detail (the Savior, the only judge).

So let's mentally draw our org chart starts at the top. We start at the top - the Savior - and draw lines to everyone who basically has the ear of Him. There is me, and you, and the missionaries, and the bishop, and president Monson, and every one in the church. We all have the ear of the top guy. There is one name on top, the only name, the great I Am. The rest of us are all in a row on the next line. That's it, that's the org chart. Actually he is also on the bottom, supporting us.

The standards of the world cannot comprehend what is going on. The standards of the world can not possibly comprehend what is going on. We cannot comprehend what is going on. Joseph Smith did not comprehend what was going on. President Monson does not comprehend what is going on in any way like The Savior. This is HiS church. Our calling is to walk with Him. We just need to keep listening.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Origin Story

When Adam and Eve went to the world
left the garden
moved residences, changed zip codes
cast out, thrown out, banish'ed. 
The cousins weren't there.

They would have embraced their neighbors, had there been any.
Had there been any, they would have welcomed all
    as they had welcomed every bug, bush and bird in the garden. 
They might have called their neighbor Jo, hiya Jo!
and though that wasn't it, it would take, because Adam and Eve a knack for naming things.
just right.

But they were alone, after getting fired from tending the Garden
They were alone and when we see them
our hearts go out to them
and we want to wrap them in blankets and
say there, there and help them and love them and
show them all that will come.

When we go to them with blankets and cheer
they will know us at once
for any of us here look so much more 
like them 
than anything there did 
  or in the garden
bipedal hominids - family. 

Written September 2012

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Farewell!

Please forgive me for turning into the person I sense I will. One who laughs and cries, but also gets very angry. One who doesn't express impatience appropriately. Who's stress engine is set to maximum, and startles at every noise. Frustration to the max. You will find me unbearable. I sense I will move from intense emotion to intense emotion, with never a break, never returning to the quiet cave I realize now I live in. It sounds exhausting. Your friend is turning 15 years old, the worst of the years. May 16 and 17 arrive quickly! I do feel now - I feel with my eyes but I don't cry. I feel with my shoulders, a tightness in my chest, a tenseness in my lips. My breath expresses feeling - I hold it, then let it out with a gasp. I feel in concrete packets, and in a narrower band. But then feelings calm and move away. I'm able to push it all aside. Yesterday I had a taste of it, I think it was stressed out anxiety that I couldn't bear, and I was glad for it to go by the afternoon. Why would I enter a world I can never escape?

But first this Donna wants clarify that *I* care? Perhaps it doesn't matter - that's it will be in the past? Have you seen it my eyes enough times to believe? Will there be some nice memories to cherish, even when I change into someone new? I couldn't have gone this far without you. I prayed for you nearly every day. I committed to myself to be your friend the rest of my life - though I'm sure I didn't meant it to be ending now. You don't have to put up with me, though I hope you do.

You have been such a good friend, Reha. Know that. You have been such a good friend.

Thank you for helping make this The Greatest Summer. Its been fantastically magical. Your influence has helped at many turns. I don't know why your just being you helps me, this Donna, so completely. You have the spirit. You have deliberate calm. You respect me. You act respectfully toward your family. You live life like a working marathon not sprinting too fast, just keeping moving with steady practiced steps. You live the life I was raised to do and I didn't think anyone actually did. But also when you teach there is a part of me that really listens to you. The week you teach of healing, I heal. Many of you one-liners the Spirit uses to pound into my heart: This Is True. When you told me to be nicer to myself that seems to have started a two week dramatic transformation that leads me here, now, saying good bye. You have helped me improve my life to the point that now its time to get difficult again.

The Lord has taken you with me on this little journey. Remember how compelled I said I felt with all those crazy things - that letter from my personalities, getting in your car after your run and having nothing to say? I've trusted you, and forced my way past the socially appropriate conversational boundaries that I know you'd prefer. The Lord has been telling me all summer: I'm making you into something more. If we stay friends, and its a big if that relies heavily on your unending patience, perhaps one blessing is to the chance watch with me. I make note of the nut job you took to the Broadway theater. And we'll see where it goes. 

Monday, June 4, 2012

And I Gave You Drink, Rest, Strength and Let You In

Bore my testimony yesterday and it wrapped into a nice structure I'd like to share here. Of course its better live, with the pragmatics to expound , and with the Spirit to help feel it. First I explained a little about being sick, homebound, and then out of the habit of church. That the bishop worked with me, but not until May called me to start doing things [about last September, and then as First Counselor in November or so] that I started to actually attend church again. Then I explained:

When I took the sacrament for the first time after a while, when I took it I didn't realize my soul was so thirsty for it. When I went to Sunday School, and Relief Society, and Sacrament Meeting I didn't realize my mind was so tired of the garbage [choked up, then and now] I'd been feeding it. When I worked in my calling I didn't realize the Lord would strengthen me so. I've been going to the temple lately, and I had forgotten that this is where everyone wants to be, this is the feeling that everyone is searching for. So close to heaven, and the Lord.

So thank you everyone for nourishing and supporting me. The church is  true. And I closed in the name of Jesus Christ.