Ambiguity

Watching us at church it seems being LDS is about knowing things. We speak of what we know, we teach each other things, we answer questions in Sunday School pulling from knowledge not in the reading. We're even expected to know how to sing. I've heard from people as an explanation about inactivity: I didn't have a testimony of (blank). That they didn't know, and so they couldn't be mormon. I notice, though, that in my day-to-day life of being mormon I mostly don't know. What does the Lord want me to do with my life? I don't know. The next calling I receive (which will be something I've never done before) how will I do that calling? I won't know. What does this talk (that seems a little boring) have to tell me? I don't know. What am I going to wear to church today? I don't know. It is in answering these and other questions that I practice my mormonism. Its a wrestle. Mormonism is not as much about collecting the answers, but rather about wrestling with the questions at hand. Mormons walk into an office, get asked to teach 5-year-olds each week, and although they know nothing about teaching children, know nothing about the ciriculum, know none of the children, possibly have just moved into the area...they stand against that uncertainty and say yes. The things that happen between that moment, and the first lesson are what it is to be a Mormon. But also rewarding experiences, richness, and sadness when the calling is done. I wake up not having done the right laundry. From that moment to walking into church clothed is about being Mormon. Feeling better the rest of the day, realizing it was worth the effort, receiving that immediate feedback that I'm on the right track. That is also what it is to be Mormon. The weight of ambiguity can be great. But the longer the wait, the more the confusion, the more work it takes, then usually the richer the solution is when it comes. And that is something worth talking about, the precious answers. I know that it is much more important to dwell on the knowing, than on the questions. The only way to fail at being Mormon is to bow to the ambiguity.